I must warn you: 1) This story
is only intended as humor and, as a result, makes fun of BSB and
the Power Rangers, 2) The BSB characters are based on the SGDVD
fanfic "Spice Girls vs. The Backstreet Boys" by Magmos,
3) I really dislike the BSB, so if you are a teenybopper and
cannot take a joke, then please leave now. I WARNED YOU!!!!!, and
4) Power Rangers are owned by Saban, so don't sue me!!!
(INT - Power Chamber. Zordon is
talking to the Power Rangers)
Zordon: Okay, which one of you has been using the Morphin Grid to get free Internet porn?
Tommy: Wasn't me!!
Kat: Porno? Ewww!!
Adam: Like, I dunno..
Jason: Not Me!
Zordon: You know, I am so sick of you brats!!! "Get me out of a test, Zordon" "Make some sort of gizmo for us, Zordon"! Well, I've had enough!!!! ALPHA!!!
Alpha 5: Y-Y-Yes, Zordon?
Zordon: Prepare to transfer Powers!!! These little punks are out!!!
Jason: Awww, c'mon, Zordon. I like having my powers!!! Besides, I look hot in this suit!! (Begins to flex his muscles and strut around in his spandex suit)
Kat: Yeah, baby!! (Begins to salivate and wave five dollar bills in the air)
Tanya: Back that thang up!! (Everyone looks at them oddly, considering Kat's supposed to be dating Tommy and Tanya's supposed to be dating Adam)
Zordon: Jeez, no wonder most of those feeds were of nude bodybuilder videos! Flip the switch, Alpha!!!
Alpha: Yes, Zordon!! Activation Zeo Power drain......NOW!!!! (The Rangers are stripped of their powers and, consequently, also of their suits and any clothing they had on underneath.Once the clothes are gone, all is revealed, including Kat's wads of tissue used to fill in her bra and the rolled-up socks Jason used in his codpiece)
Tanya: (Eyeing the guys) So, not all men are created equal! (Stares at a certain well-endowed Latino) Gee, Rocky, I never knew you were so gifted!!!
Adam: (Smiling seductively) Me neither, buddy!
Rocky: (Blushing) Aww, shucks!! Must be where all the food goes!! (Starts an "exotic dance" between Adam and Tanya)
Tommy: (Looking at Jason) So you ARE taking steroids, Jason!!!
Jason: (Feigning ignorance) Umm, how did you know??
Tommy: Believe me, bro, I know.
Kat: Uhhh, can't we at least have clothes, Zordon. I think Rocky is starting to enjoy this a little too much.
Billy: And I'm not a Ranger anymore, so why am I naked??
Zordon: SILENCE!!!! I am teleporting you little nymphos out of here! (In a flash of light, the teens are gone -- Tanya and Adam arm-in-arm with Rocky who mentions something about an Adam sandwich) Alpha, send me five more young people who are willing to do my bidding!!!
Alpha: Yes, Zordon!! (Pushes a button on the console. In a flash of light, five young men appear in the Power Chamber. Two are trying to fight each other, one is lost in his own stupor, one is sitting on the floor giggling, and the fifth is reading a tattered copy of Playgirl)
Brian: I'm gonna kill you, you little freak!!
Kevin: Not if I kill you first, pansy!!
Kevin: Punk!! (The two proceed to beat each other witless)
Nick: Duh Duh!!! Tee Hee Hee!!!
Zordon: SILENCE!!!!! I have brought you all here to become my new team of suckers, er, I mean, Power Rangers Zeo!!
A.J.: (Coming out of his high, obviously very moody) Who are you, and why are we doing this?!?!?!
Zordon: Because you're untalented wastes of skin!!!! Besides, you'd work for free, right??
Brian: NO!! But at the right price, we'd do it!!
Kevin: At the right price, you'd do anybody!!!
Brian: Shut up!!!
Kevin: Make me, punk!!! (They try to fight each other, but Zordon parts them telepathically)
Zordon: Fine, I'll throw in some Vaseline, a paper clip, a copy of High Times, and a membership to BabylonBoy.com!!
Zordon: Now, step forward and claim your powers. Alexander James! Since Brian and Kevin would beat each other down for the powers of the Red Ranger, Nicholas has no brains whatsoever, and Howard would make you all wear G-strings and Jello-wrestle for your morphers if I made him leader (The others back away from him), I will put you in the lead. You are Zeo Ranger 5, Red!!
Howie: That's not what I was thinking!!
Kevin: Yeah, right!!!
Zordon: I can read minds, Howie. And no, you can not lick Reddi Whip off of 98 Degrees!!
Zordon: Brian, since your head looks like a brick, you will be Zeo Ranger 4, Green.
Brian: Oh, well.
Zordon: Kevin, since you have that ugly goatee, You can be Zeo Ranger 3, Blue!!
Kevin: Hey, my goatee's fashionable!!
A.J.: Yeah, and that marriage of yours isn't just a ploy to shake off the rumors of you and Macy Gray!!
Zordon: Moving right along, Nick,
you get to be Zeo Ranger 2, Yellow.
Nick: Tee Hee Hee? Duh Duh!!! Hee Hee!!!!
Zordon: And Howie, for obvious reasons, you get to be Zeo Ranger 1, Pink!!
Howie: Yippee! (Senses the bewildered glares of his team mates) Wait a minute, I look fat in pink!! Don't you have a color that suits my skintone better?
Zordon: Fine!! You can be Zeo Ranger One, WHITE!!!
Alpha: Now, boys. You must defeat this evil monster that is shown on the viewing globe. But, be careful!!
Zordon: (Gives the boys their morphers) Now, morph and get out!!!
A.J.: Right!! It's Morphine Time!!
Zordon: (Dejectedly) Why me??
Howie: ZEO RANGER ONE, PINK!!!!!!
Brian: Don't you mean white????
Howie: Oh, yeah!! ZEO RANGER ONE, WHITE!!!!!
Nick: DUH DUH TEE HEE HEE, DUH!! (*Translation: Zeo Ranger Two, YELLOW!!)
Kevin: ZEO RANGER, uhhhh, FOUR, BLUE!!!
Brian: Hey, moron!! I'm FOUR and you're THREE!!!!!!
Kevin: Hey, you cost less than me, you two-bit giggolo!!!
Brian: You PUNK!!!
Kevin: SISSY!!!! (Begin to beat the stew out of each other -- Let's cut to the scene after they have all morphed and they are standing in their Spandex suits)
Brian: (Obviously liking the feel of green Spandex just a tad too much) Guys, I think we should wear these onstage!!! Think of how many girls would wet their pants to see us like this!!!
A.J.: I just want to get this over with!! I need my herbs!!!
Alpha: Zordon, wasn't there a Gold Ranger???
Zordon: SHUT UP AND GET THESE FREAKS OUT OF HERE!!!!
Alpha: Right, Zordon!! (Teleports the BSB out to battle)
(INT: The Rangers have now met the new monster, Rubber Thing-A-Mabob - Better known as Carson Daly)
A.J.: We will not let you win, you slimy beast!!
Rubber: WHY? I WILL, LIKE, DEFEAT YOU!!!
BSB: NO!! We're the BACKSTREET BOYS!!!!
A.J.: And in the name of the moon, I shall punish you!!!! (Does the whole speech with the hand motions)
Kevin: Oh God, he's so stoned, he thinks he's Sailor Moon!!!!
Brian: Let's get this thing!!
Howie: Actually, he looks kinda cute!
A.J.: Would you STOP flirting with everything that has a penis?!?!?!
Howie: I'm not flirting!!!
Brian: Well, at least Kevin is safe from Howie and his obsessions!!!
Kevin: Shut up, moron!!!
Brian: Make me!!
Kevin: AAAARGH!! (Launches himself at Brian as they proceed, again, to beat each other senseless)
Howie: (Somehow breaks out with a video camera) Oooh, GUY FIGHT!!! Rip that spandex off of each other, boys!!! (They back off of each other)
Brian: Let's just beat the monster!! I'll get you later!!
Kevin: Right!! (Needless to say, they all get beat down like a thief in a third-world country!!)
Rubber: What a bunch of idiots!!!
Brian: Let's sing to it!! At last we have an audience to perform to!
Others: Right!!! (They begin to sing one of their "songs")
Rubber: AAAAAAAARGH!!! (Clutches his ears in pain. Suddenly, a crowd of screaming teenage girls [and a few desparate gay men] that hear the "singing" from a distance comes running to the scene)
Girl 1: Oh, muh sweet Jezuz wept!!! It's da Baquestreet Boyzz!!!
Girl 2: You're so fine, A.J.!!!
Girl 3: Kevin, I'm pregnant!!
Girl 4: I'm barely legal, Brian!!!
Guy (One of the freaks from NSYNC): I want you all that way!!
Brian: You all need to get out of here!!! This monster could kill you!!! (The monster seizes the opportunity and unleashes a powerful beam that takes out most of the obnoxious teenyboppers.)
Kevin: You killed our fans!!!! You must die!!!!! (Somehow, the BSB RANGERS manage to call up their Zords.)
Howie: Wow! Look at that big, long cannon on my Zord!! (The others giggle like schoolgirls) What?!?! Oh!
A.J.: Can We PLEASE get this thing whupped?! I need my pills!!
Kevin: Fine!!! Let's Go!!! (They somehow get inside the thing and manage to kill the monster.....well, actually, they activated an MP3 of "Show Me The Meaning Of Being Lonely" in the Megazord's stereo system, and the monster decided it was better to perform hara-kiri on himself rather than listen to that "music".)
Nick: Duh Duh!!!! Tee Hee Hee Hee!!!!
Kevin: Nick's right!! We should do that more often!!!
Brian: Who knew our songs could be used for something besides seducing 13-year-old girls!!!!
A.J.: Now can we please get home?!?!? I need my, er, um, medicated powder!!!
(INT: Back at the Power Chamber...)
Brian: But, what do you mean we're being replaced?!?! I thought we did well!!!
Kevin: And I look hot in this suit!!
Zordon: Don't you idiots remember all the people that died today?!?! I mean, sure they were mostly brain-dead, preteen morons, but if your fans keep dying like that, there won't be any more teenyboppers to make fun of!! I'm stripping you all of your powers!!! Besides, you will be late for your shifts at Taco Bell!!!
A.J. What do you mean Taco Bell?
Zordon: Look, you untalented little crack fiend!! You have no talent, and there are newer and way more manufactured boybands out there (**CoughCoughO-TownCoughCough**)!!! This way, you can pay all of your child support back!!! Besides, think of all the free Gorditas you can have when A.J. gets the munchies!! ALPHA!!!!
Alpha: Yes, Zordon?
Zordon: Send me six more untalented freaks of nature to be Rangers!! These freaks are going!!
Alpha: Right away, Zordon!!! (Pushes a button on the console that teleports the BSB to the local Taco Bell, sans powers and clothing - much to Howie's delight.)
(INT - Six more less-than-normal people are teleported in - Puff Daddy, Marilyn Manson, Britney Spears, Vanilla Ice, Mariah Carey, and Ricky Martin)
Alpha: Y-Y-Yes, Zordon??
Zordon: Find me an Uzi, a pound of Kabuki makeup, an *NSYNC poster, a book of food stamps, 30 pounds of hair weave, and a blow-up Tom Cruise doll! It's negotiatin' time!!!